"Equality in Love: The Meaning of (Same Sex) Marriage"

Rev. Bruce Russell-Jayne
June 14, 2009

Meditation   Does It Matter?       This poem was written by an anonymous high school student.

My father asked if I am gay
I asked Does it matter?
He said No not really
I said Yes.
He said get out of my life
I guess it mattered.

My boss asked if I am gay
I asked Does it matter?
He said No not really
I told him Yes.
He said You're fired, faggot
I guess it mattered.

My friend asked if I am gay
I said Does it matter?
He said Not really
I told him Yes.
He said Don't call me your friend.
I guess it mattered.

My lover asked Do you love me?
I asked Does it matter?
He said Yes.
I told him I love you
He said Let me hold you in my arms
For the first time in my life something matters.

My God asked me Do you love yourself?
I said Does it matter?
He said Yes.
I said How can I love myself? I am Gay
He said That is the way I made you
Nothing again will ever matter.

Reading                        Support of the Right to Marry for Same-Sex Couples        
Unitarian Universalism has long been at the forefront of civil rights for bisexual, gay, lesbian, and transgender people. Our support dates back to 1970, and many of our clergy have been performing religious weddings and holy unions for several decades.  In 1996, the General Assembly of the Unitarian Universalist Association voted to support marriage equality for same-sex couples. Following is the 1996 Resolution of Immediate Witness - “Support of the Right to Marry for Same-Sex Couples”
Because Unitarian Universalists affirm the inherent worth and dignity of every person; and
Because marriage is held in honor among the blessings of life; and
WHEREAS many states, the Congress, and the President of the United States are acting to void the recognition of same-sex marriages and to deny "full faith and credit" to such marriages formalized in Hawaii or any other state;
WHEREAS debate about legally recognized marriage to same-sex couples has focused on the objections of certain religious communities, while the Unitarian Universalist Association has adopted numerous resolutions over the last twenty-six years supporting equal rights for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered persons, including support of Ceremonies of Union between members of the same sex; and
WHEREAS the Unitarian Universalist Association Board of Trustees and the Unitarian Universalist Ministers Association have voted their support for the right to marry for same-sex couples;
THEREFORE be it resolved that the 1996 General Assembly of the Unitarian Universalist Association adopts a position in support of legal recognition for marriage between members of the same sex;
BE IT further resolved that the 1996 General Assembly urges the Unitarian Universalist Association to make this position known through the media; and
BE IT finally resolved that the 1996 General Assembly of the Unitarian Universalist Association urges the member congregations to proclaim the worth of marriage between any two committed persons and to make this position known in their home communities.”

Sermon   Equality in Love: The Meaning of (Same-Sex) Marriage    Rev. Bruce Russell-Jayne
Melissa’s call came to me out of the blue one Tuesday as I sat in my church office answering emails.   She was planning her wedding.  A friend of hers told her UU ministers perform weddings for non-members, and she wondered if I would be available on the date she had in mind.  I checked my calendar, told her I could do it on that date, and asked her when she and her fiancé could meet with me to plan the ceremony.  Before she answered, she hesitated then said, “My partner is a woman, her name is Jenny, are you OK with that?”  “Well, of course,” I said.  I was really excited to have an opportunity to perform my first wedding for a Lesbian couple.  I had been hoping to do one for years – ever since my UU minister in Chattanooga went to an interfaith preaching workshop and won an award for having officiated more same sex weddings than all the other ministers combined. 

By the way, Melissa and Jenny are fictional names.  As a minister I never disclose information told to me in confidence, and it would be inappropriate for me to out a Gay or Lesbian person to a general audience.

I could see Jenny and Melissa were a bit nervous when they came to my office, not unusual for a young couple when first meeting with the minister.  That meeting means they’re getting pretty serious about this wedding thing now.  I tried to put them at ease with ice breaking questions about the details of the wedding – location, number of people invited, photography, etc.  I told them I am very flexible as to the content of the ceremony, that I could create one for them, they could create their own, or I could blend some of their ideas with mine.

Melissa had been reading and knew the history of some of the traditional wedding components.  She wanted nothing to do with her father “giving her away.”  In her teen years he had given her a hard time about not having a boyfriend, and they were not close now.  To help them decide what they wanted in their ceremony, I showed them a list of what most of us would recognize as the “standard” components of a wedding and explained a bit about them.  The center of a wedding, the most important part of it, is what the couple promises each other.  Therefore, I always ask the couple to write their own vows.  (I can help and give them examples, but it really is important that they think about and try to articulate why they are getting married.)  Their love makes the marriage happen, and I want them to say it in their own words.

I explained to Jenny and Melissa the 4 levels to a wedding.  Marriage ceremonies often include comments about the couples’ relationship to each of the 4 levels. The first level of course is the couple, and the words we say in a wedding are mostly about the couple’s relationship.  Levels two and three are family and community.  The reason folks get married in public is so they can include their families and the wider community.  The couple is proclaiming their intention to establish themselves as a legitimate family and participate in the community.  The fourth level in a wedding comes in when we talk about the primary reason people get married, that is, the value we place on love and marriage.  Some people want the value of love represented in their wedding by including teachings of their church.  Often people evoke the love or God or Goddess as part of their ceremony.  Melissa and Jenny simply wanted me to talk a bit about love itself. 
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After we understood the overall structure of the ceremony, we began to talk about individual components.  They said some friends would stand with them.  They didn’t want to call them Bridesmaids and Groomsmen; they would just name them “The Party.”   I asked Jenny and Melissa how they might want to include their families in the ceremony.  They said Jenny’s little niece would be ring bearer and her nephew would sprinkle rose petals.  They wanted me to say something to acknowledge their families, to show their gratitude for the support family members had shown Jenny and Melissa, and for the blessings of the marriage several had expressed.  They felt awkward about parents walking them down the aisle.  Jenny’s parents were divorced; Melissa’s Dad wasn’t too happy about the idea of them marrying.  I assured Jenny and Melissa we would do things their way - whatever they were comfortable with.
                                                                                                              
Then came a question I dread.  “Is one of your mothers going to try to change your plans?”  This frequently happens. Once couple I worked with, a Jewish woman and a Presbyterian man, planned to have a blend of Christian and Jewish components in their ceremony, including a Huppah.  That’s a canopy of wedding cloth held up by four wooden posts under which the wedding party stands for the ceremony.  They were also going to do a wine ceremony culminating in stomping on the glass signaling everyone to yell “Mazeltov!”  Ah, it was going to be beautiful and fun.  But, then the bride’s mother insisted they include a Ketubah, which is a wedding contract signed in a private ceremony in the presence of the families before the public ceremony.  Well, we didn’t end up doing that, but it took some work on their part to help the mother understand they needed her relent and to support their plan.  Within families there are always different ideas about what a wedding should be.  Usually the couple will compromise with their families on the ceremony, but in the end, the couple who are getting married need to be able to do things their way.

These differences of opinion about weddings just illustrate that there are also different ideas about what marriage is for.  Ask people what they think marriage is for, and you’ll get everything from sex and/or babies to “Toasters” – a joke about wedding presents being the reason people marry.  My text for this sermon, a book by E.J. Graff titled What is Marriage For?, says the philosophy of marriage has at one time or another included “what makes sex sacred or acceptable; what children need to grow up well; how far in or out of their kinship circle (whether defined by tribe, religion, race, ethnicity, or class) people are expected or allowed to marry; what marriage rules are required to keep social order; and how important it is to consult your own heart.”

Graff’s book gives a fascinating history of marriage; she describes how many of the ideas about marriage have evolved.  Our ancestors set up marriage rules and laws to fit the needs of their day.  For example, in Western Civilization up until the mid 19th century, marriage rules allowed the rich to control the ownership of property so it would stay within the upper class.  For the poor, marriage was primarily to find a work mate in order to promote the survival of each partner.  For both rich and poor, marriage rules favored men, and men benefited financially.   Thanks primarily to spreading democracy and capitalism, this has changed.   Today, with men and women equal under the law, mostly, marriage doesn’t work the way it used to.  Conservatives want to hold on to traditional ideas about marriage, but it’s no good to follow rules designed for another era.  Society has changed, and it's time for the rules of marriage to catch up.  Gay and Lesbian couples demanding the right to be married have done a great service for Western society; they have given us an opportunity to bring the rules about marriage up to date. 
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Saying toasters are the meaning of marriage is funny, but there is more than a grain of truth in that joke.  Marriage is about money.  There are many financial benefits for a married couple.  Marriage amounts to a financial contract enforced by the state.  It is not at all like a standard business contract however, in that no one really understands what they are getting into when they sign the wedding certificate.  There are hundreds, if not thousands of opportunities that accrue to married people, but they are listed in many different places.  Marriage changes your status on insurance policies, credit card offers, child adoption procedures, medical decision making and on and on.  Almost all of these are meant to benefit married people, to encourage people to marry.   The rules were created because marriages are believed to have huge benefits to society, making it more stable and all of us more prosperous.  The question before us today is wouldn’t society profit all the more if same-sex couples were allowed to marry and receive the same benefits?

Marriage is society’s way of defining who gets the goodies and who doesn’t.  Marriage creates a legal unit, an alliance of two people who can share their finances and help care for each other and their children, if they have any.  Marriage allows spouses to pass property back and forth without being taxed.  If you win the lottery, you can assign the winnings to your spouse tax free (but no one else).  Marriage affects your finances if you are poor, too.  “The state holds you responsible for your spouse when deciding who’s eligible for state benefits-Medicaid, AFDC, food stamps, public drug rehab, first time homebuyers programs, and student loans.”

Marriage allows you to visit your spouse in the hospital or to assume control in the event she or he is incapacitated.  This may not be true for unmarried partners.  You may have heard some of the horror stories - of gay or lesbian life partners being excluded by hospitals from critical medical decisions or being shunned by families after their partner’s death.  Some of the problems unmarried partners face can be reduced if they know what to do before hand.  Unmarried partners can make a legal agreement to co-own property, and they can obtain a durable power of attorney for health care for their partners.  However, it’s a misperception that most of the benefits of marriage can be acquired by same-sex partners by going to a lawyer and signing a set of contracts.  For example, a durable power of attorney takes effect only if the person becomes incapacitated.  Until a person goes into a coma, no nurse or doctor has any obligation to tell the unmarried partner anything.   This can be especially harrowing if your partner goes into the hospital when you are out of town and you have to try to get information over the phone.  There are many other instances of life partners living in fear because they can’t take care of each other in the same way married couples can.  This is a sad state of affairs.

Statistics show that married couples live longer, healthier, and more productive lives.  On average, married people have more money, more satisfaction, live in safer neighborhoods, and have children who are less likely to drop out of school.   Marriage is a benefit to individuals and to society.  Coupled life stabilizes society and sustains our interdependence – “so valuable in an isolating society like our own.”   Because having more contentedly paired people is good for all citizens society should open civil marriage to same-sex pairs, making it easier for them to care for each other.”  Same-sex “couples who now live together without the benefits of marriage,” should be brought in from the fringes; “they should gain all marriage’s recognitions, in sickness and in health.”   And they should be given all the rights and responsibilities of marriage because, as the Vermont Supreme Court said in 1999, “legal protection and security for an avowed commitment to an intimate and lasting human relationship is simply, when all is said and done, a recognition of common humanity.”  I believe that once our society concedes that gay and lesbian people share in our common humanity, it must then extend marriage to them as a civil right.  If it’s good for most of us how can it not be good for all of us?  If, as Thomas Jefferson, famously asserted in the Declaration of Independence, the pursuit of Happiness is an unalienable right, then no one can be excluded.  It is time to make same-sex marriage legal in America.
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I’m afraid I’ve left Jenny and Melissa waiting too long for us.  Let’s go back and finish our wedding planning meeting.  We had talked about some of the family and community meanings of marriage.  Now that we were more at ease with each other I asked each of them the most important question, “What does love mean to you?”  Both of them shed a few tears as they answered.  Having this chance to talk to a couple about love is one of my favorite jobs in ministry.  After giving them a chance to articulate their thoughts about love, I encouraged them to talk about their love again and again in their marriage.  Love is what marriage is all about.

As I said earlier, ask people what marriage is for, and after the joking about toasters and so on, almost everyone will say it’s about love.  To be sure, marriage is about a lot of things, but the one thing that our society has overwhelmingly agreed on is that marriage is for love.  The goal is to promote happiness and well being of the couple through a good marriage.  The process is to practice love, day after day, year after year, through sickness and health.  It is in that process of learning to love another person, of turning ourselves into loving people, that we become fully human.

Rainer Maria Rilke describes why this loving is so important in To Love Another:
“For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation…Loving does not at first mean merging, surrendering, and uniting with another person—it is high inducement for the individual to ripen…to become [a] world in himself for the sake of another person; it is a great, demanding claim on him, something that chooses him and calls him to vast distances.”

I wish for Melissa and Jenny and for all of you such a task of love, and I wish you all the blessings that come when you love another person intimately.